In an age where hard work and honesty are paying increasingly greater dividends, 26-year old software consultant Tukaram Namdeo was fired yesterday from his cushy job after he was found slacking off during working hours for over three days. The Mumbai-based engineer was severely reprimanded by his manager after he was found doing nothing and yet occupying his seat idly. The reason for Namdeo's behaviour is learned to be death.
"Inexcusable, really" muttered manager Vineet Goudapad, attracting many Google searches to this article with one fell stroke of a surname. "He was here on Tuesday and he just died on us that evening. And it was a Friday yesterday too and everyone's mood got spoiled because of this. Plus, it's not easy firing someone on a Friday. You think managers have fun doing this? Leaves a bad taste in the mouth."
"You don't know how hard it is," he added movingly.
Sources say Tukaram suffered death silently for three whole days before people found out he had left the land of the living. Close friend and colleague Madan Valgrind, with an even more improbable surname, said that he had often seen Tukaram in that final posture of his and therefore did not worry too much when the latter did not get up from his chair even once, not even to get a glass of water or pass urine (not into the same glass).
"He was a quiet sort of person," clarified Valgrind. "He was known to go days without saying a word. He'd be working on something and didn't like to be disturbed. He wore disposable diapers to the office too. Thought the long walk to the toilet was a waste of time."
Police said it was indeed surprising that Namdeo's fellow employees did not notice the odd smell emanating from his body after his death but admitted that Thursday's "Pizza night," when some management official arrived from the US and ordered pizzas for everybody and delighted them all with his ready wit and Texan drawl and unexpected attacks against Third World countries, may have had something to do with it. Meanwhile, Namdeo's in-house death seems not to be an isolated incident in industry.
"Death, affecting one in every one Indians, is a serious threat to businesses everywhere." opined management guru Prahlad. "Profit margins plummet, stocks quickly become worth nothing and there's that whole business of sadness, despair, grief and mourning leading to a crippling loss of productivity. When heads of companies die, there's also a lot of legal issues about their property and so on. This 'death thing' will ruin us. It must be tackled head on."
Added he mysteriously "I am working on it."
Tukaram will now apparently be shifted for cremation to his native Sholapur, where his house was only recently attacked by the Shiv Sena for stabbing them in the back.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Despatches from Newcastle - I
Dearest Mother,
As you know by now, I have arrived here in Newcastle and settled in quite comfortably. The journey hereto was smooth, except for a few moments of extreme panic on the London flight when the flight teetered hither and thither due to turbulent weather. Or because a giant man was playing with it. Either way, those few moments were not really memorable and I spent them watching 'Fargo' intensely. Never before would William H Macy's face have been stared at quite as intently by anyone, not even by William H Macy. The immigration process, as I told you over the phone, was also hassle-free. The London-Newcastle leg was covered by two pilots with Bob Marley accents. I kid you not, Mother, they really spoke like Marley. I half-expected gentle reggae background music and all thirteen of his children to stream out of the cockpit as the pilots made their announcements.
If you'll recall Blanche DuBois' "I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers" line from 'A streetcar named desire,' Mother, that held true for me as I entered the city. Taxis being forbiddingly expensive, I opted instead to lug huge bags along behind me as I got on the Metro. A kind gentleman named Ian who often nervously licked his fingers and said 'Coom' offered to escort me to wherever I wanted to go from the West Jesmond Metro station. Then, after a while, he seemed lost himself and fetched another gentleman named Paul from a pub and Paul offered to drop me off in his car. Now, I know what you're thinking, Mother. "You could have been molested!!" All the signs were there:- Man who nervously licks his fingers and calls out to strange men, another man who offers lifts to strangers, idiotic stranger in a strange land. An explosive mix indeed. But my general molestability is so low, Mother, that I needn't have worried. Neither of them stole even a cursory lascivious glance at me. After a while in Paul's car, I began to feel a little offended, actually. Was I not worth even a perfunctory look, a default lewd once-over, a rudimentary salacious perusal? If you prick me, do I not bleed? (I do, so don't.) Anyhow, the ride passed off without incident and I was touched (only metaphorically) by Paul's and Ian's kindness.
It's been uneventful after that, Mother. My flatmates are Nigerian, Chinese, Chinese and Taiwanese respectively and we have a grand time not being in each other's way. Really, I have never met a more polite bunch of people living under one roof. One of the Chinese guys is particularly interested in my culinary skills and today inspected my tomato saaru closely to see if he could glean some information out of it. Speaking of which, my cooking has passed off without incident so far too. Having no access to ghee, I used butter for the oggaraNe for the saaru. It produced rather delicious results. However, I would advise against using steel pans for preparing an omelette, Mother. It is interesting to observe the reactions between yolk and oil on a steel pan but the resultant acrid smell is not quite the connoisseur's delight. Also interesting : how well chatnipudi goes with everything. I have used it with rice, bread and omelettes and it has coalesced perfectly with its platemate each time. The Taiwanese man prepares enough food for ten people and eats it all himself over one week. His skill is great.
As for classes, Mother, we have had just two so far and the low strength of my class is a pleasant change. I will keep you posted on interesting events, if any, therein. We are thinking of names for a website and some great suggestions (by me and others) thus far have been turned down (although I cannot imagine why) :
Extreme Poverty
Flatulent Firmware
Anal Bleeding
GamePlusPlus
Gamebrosia (like ambrosia, but for games)
Hesitant Warrior
The Magnificent Seven
The Magnificent-But-Thinking-of-Retirement Seven
The Not-Quite-As-Magnificent-As-Before Seven
The Why-Aren't-We-Eight Seven
(the last four became invalid since one of our ranks came down like a mighty oak tree if a mighty oak tree could come down with chicken pox. He's out for two weeks. He will now be immortalised as the Chicken Pox Dude.)
We settled on something else but I was really keen on Extreme Poverty as a name. Has a ring to it.
All said, it's been a good time so far, Mother. Rains made their presence felt today, but none too threateningly. So you needn't worry. Further updates when I have anything to say. Do take care of yourself.
Your son,
Arjun
As you know by now, I have arrived here in Newcastle and settled in quite comfortably. The journey hereto was smooth, except for a few moments of extreme panic on the London flight when the flight teetered hither and thither due to turbulent weather. Or because a giant man was playing with it. Either way, those few moments were not really memorable and I spent them watching 'Fargo' intensely. Never before would William H Macy's face have been stared at quite as intently by anyone, not even by William H Macy. The immigration process, as I told you over the phone, was also hassle-free. The London-Newcastle leg was covered by two pilots with Bob Marley accents. I kid you not, Mother, they really spoke like Marley. I half-expected gentle reggae background music and all thirteen of his children to stream out of the cockpit as the pilots made their announcements.
If you'll recall Blanche DuBois' "I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers" line from 'A streetcar named desire,' Mother, that held true for me as I entered the city. Taxis being forbiddingly expensive, I opted instead to lug huge bags along behind me as I got on the Metro. A kind gentleman named Ian who often nervously licked his fingers and said 'Coom' offered to escort me to wherever I wanted to go from the West Jesmond Metro station. Then, after a while, he seemed lost himself and fetched another gentleman named Paul from a pub and Paul offered to drop me off in his car. Now, I know what you're thinking, Mother. "You could have been molested!!" All the signs were there:- Man who nervously licks his fingers and calls out to strange men, another man who offers lifts to strangers, idiotic stranger in a strange land. An explosive mix indeed. But my general molestability is so low, Mother, that I needn't have worried. Neither of them stole even a cursory lascivious glance at me. After a while in Paul's car, I began to feel a little offended, actually. Was I not worth even a perfunctory look, a default lewd once-over, a rudimentary salacious perusal? If you prick me, do I not bleed? (I do, so don't.) Anyhow, the ride passed off without incident and I was touched (only metaphorically) by Paul's and Ian's kindness.
It's been uneventful after that, Mother. My flatmates are Nigerian, Chinese, Chinese and Taiwanese respectively and we have a grand time not being in each other's way. Really, I have never met a more polite bunch of people living under one roof. One of the Chinese guys is particularly interested in my culinary skills and today inspected my tomato saaru closely to see if he could glean some information out of it. Speaking of which, my cooking has passed off without incident so far too. Having no access to ghee, I used butter for the oggaraNe for the saaru. It produced rather delicious results. However, I would advise against using steel pans for preparing an omelette, Mother. It is interesting to observe the reactions between yolk and oil on a steel pan but the resultant acrid smell is not quite the connoisseur's delight. Also interesting : how well chatnipudi goes with everything. I have used it with rice, bread and omelettes and it has coalesced perfectly with its platemate each time. The Taiwanese man prepares enough food for ten people and eats it all himself over one week. His skill is great.
As for classes, Mother, we have had just two so far and the low strength of my class is a pleasant change. I will keep you posted on interesting events, if any, therein. We are thinking of names for a website and some great suggestions (by me and others) thus far have been turned down (although I cannot imagine why) :
Extreme Poverty
Flatulent Firmware
Anal Bleeding
GamePlusPlus
Gamebrosia (like ambrosia, but for games)
Hesitant Warrior
The Magnificent Seven
The Magnificent-But-Thinking-of-Retirement Seven
The Not-Quite-As-Magnificent-As-Before Seven
The Why-Aren't-We-Eight Seven
(the last four became invalid since one of our ranks came down like a mighty oak tree if a mighty oak tree could come down with chicken pox. He's out for two weeks. He will now be immortalised as the Chicken Pox Dude.)
We settled on something else but I was really keen on Extreme Poverty as a name. Has a ring to it.
All said, it's been a good time so far, Mother. Rains made their presence felt today, but none too threateningly. So you needn't worry. Further updates when I have anything to say. Do take care of yourself.
Your son,
Arjun
Monday, August 10, 2009
Foreign fraud
Being defrauded is never a pleasant experience, but it's especially galling if your defrauder is unreachable. And he cheats you to buy petrol. And he does it using a credit card which you haven't used yourself in over six months. Some guy in Israel used a credit card number of mine, and those of six other colleagues, to create fake cards of his own and used them all at the illustrious Israeli establishment, Paz Yellow. Their ridiculously designed site says they are Israel's leading energy company and provide "a diverse, exact and quick response to every requirement related to energy and road services." Road services? Unless they're talking a well-mannered and well-endowed 20-shekel hooker every few miles, I don't see this company in a favourable light. They also have a convenience store chain called Yellow:-
"At Paz, we know just how important it is for you to arrive home."
That's what the creepy paedophile said. Also, Yellow proclaims this:-
"Yellow - the only one in Israel offering you a variety of solutions for meals on the road"
Meal solutions? Have services companies taken over everything?
Speaking of shekels and why I'm using that word in a seemingly sane conversation, some fuel-buying credit card charlatan swiped a fake card with my number for petrol worth 605.5 shekel. Got it rectified (which is also a funny word. Is it another way of saying 'colonoscopy' ? Or anal sex?). You may return to your financially secure lives now.
"At Paz, we know just how important it is for you to arrive home."
That's what the creepy paedophile said. Also, Yellow proclaims this:-
"Yellow - the only one in Israel offering you a variety of solutions for meals on the road"
Meal solutions? Have services companies taken over everything?
Speaking of shekels and why I'm using that word in a seemingly sane conversation, some fuel-buying credit card charlatan swiped a fake card with my number for petrol worth 605.5 shekel. Got it rectified (which is also a funny word. Is it another way of saying 'colonoscopy' ? Or anal sex?). You may return to your financially secure lives now.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Views and reviews
It's been a really long time since I watched movies and hated them and this seems as appropriate a time as any to do that. Unfortunately, however, I've rather liked the movies I've watched lately; so I'm going to try and nitpick heavily despite this fact.
'Angels and demons' was released to toned-down expectations the world over and it far exceeded them. Tom Hanks managed to look fit and not as though he's been around since the Pleistocene era, the dialogues were audible unlike in 'The Da Vinci code' and the story was paced well. Despite Ewan MacGregor's annoyingly, ingratiatingly and fakely pious turn as the Camerlengo (either a deputy priest or a deputy camel), you don't quietly slip into a coma while watching this movie. Which you would do if you watched 'Sri Lanka vs Bangladesh : The complete Test Matches collection.'
'Gulaal' turned out to be a surprisingly depressing movie. It's good, no doubt; but its slow devolvement towards a bleak, pessimistic denouement can get you down before you can say "Ye duniya agar mil bhi jaye to kya hai?" Anurag Kashyap is a great director and should make more and more films. But films like Gulaal will have success only in small, niche crowds and my house and I doubt the commercial success from these sources would sustain the artistic endeavours of this highly talented man. There should be a government order of sorts that people should go watch movies like Gulaal, so that people like Kashyap are not forced out of circulation and people like the Chopra clan don't become incredibly successful.
I also watched 'Star trek : The future begins' and 'New York' and 'Doubt' and 'Milk' and 'The Angrez.' Good fun.
I hope everyone's reassured that I'm not dead. Yet.
'Angels and demons' was released to toned-down expectations the world over and it far exceeded them. Tom Hanks managed to look fit and not as though he's been around since the Pleistocene era, the dialogues were audible unlike in 'The Da Vinci code' and the story was paced well. Despite Ewan MacGregor's annoyingly, ingratiatingly and fakely pious turn as the Camerlengo (either a deputy priest or a deputy camel), you don't quietly slip into a coma while watching this movie. Which you would do if you watched 'Sri Lanka vs Bangladesh : The complete Test Matches collection.'
'Gulaal' turned out to be a surprisingly depressing movie. It's good, no doubt; but its slow devolvement towards a bleak, pessimistic denouement can get you down before you can say "Ye duniya agar mil bhi jaye to kya hai?" Anurag Kashyap is a great director and should make more and more films. But films like Gulaal will have success only in small, niche crowds and my house and I doubt the commercial success from these sources would sustain the artistic endeavours of this highly talented man. There should be a government order of sorts that people should go watch movies like Gulaal, so that people like Kashyap are not forced out of circulation and people like the Chopra clan don't become incredibly successful.
I also watched 'Star trek : The future begins' and 'New York' and 'Doubt' and 'Milk' and 'The Angrez.' Good fun.
I hope everyone's reassured that I'm not dead. Yet.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Keeping options open
After campaigning tirelessly for the Samajwadi Party in Karnataka, and tasting defeat at an early stage, I am back. I had kept all my options open till the numbers came in. However, nothing came in and I abandoned my hopes for a Cabinet berth.
So, Rahul baba is a hero now. The heir-apparent to the throne of India (who was described by Shobhaa De, in what can only be described as an attempt at minor rape, as "The Dimpled Darling") gambled on going it alone in UP and it paid off handsomely for the Congress. They swept large parts of India (on account of him and his 87000-km coverage during campaign season, if you believe Congress assessments) and now, a young cabinet is on its way to being formed (Harish N Kumar is trying, with as much success as H D Devegowda, to secure a berth for himself on the basis of the sole qualification that he too is young). Maybe without the Left, a dynastic government at the Centre won't be so bad, after all. Since LKA is now well on his way to becoming LKB, after deciding to continue to stay on as Leader of Opposition, the Congress has a great opportunity to consolidate this mandate and continue till 2019 (what? Next time will be Rahul baba's first shot at the PM's job. You think he's going to lose? Besides, the NDA has no leader now, with the sobering discovery that Modi doesn't have a pan-Indian appeal and Rajnath Singh doesn't appeal to the average H Javaregowda in Mandya). Maybe it will go well.
We remain eternally hopeful. However, I will keep my options open till 2014 now.
So, Rahul baba is a hero now. The heir-apparent to the throne of India (who was described by Shobhaa De, in what can only be described as an attempt at minor rape, as "The Dimpled Darling") gambled on going it alone in UP and it paid off handsomely for the Congress. They swept large parts of India (on account of him and his 87000-km coverage during campaign season, if you believe Congress assessments) and now, a young cabinet is on its way to being formed (Harish N Kumar is trying, with as much success as H D Devegowda, to secure a berth for himself on the basis of the sole qualification that he too is young). Maybe without the Left, a dynastic government at the Centre won't be so bad, after all. Since LKA is now well on his way to becoming LKB, after deciding to continue to stay on as Leader of Opposition, the Congress has a great opportunity to consolidate this mandate and continue till 2019 (what? Next time will be Rahul baba's first shot at the PM's job. You think he's going to lose? Besides, the NDA has no leader now, with the sobering discovery that Modi doesn't have a pan-Indian appeal and Rajnath Singh doesn't appeal to the average H Javaregowda in Mandya). Maybe it will go well.
We remain eternally hopeful. However, I will keep my options open till 2014 now.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Mindry.in -- a year of unparalleled excellence
More trumpeting of our own, well, trumpets. On this Monday, the 27th of April, our fledgling group will turn one. Starting off humbly, with just a Youtube channel to our name, we swiftly climbed up the ranks of prosperity and procured our own website. (Which now has a functional blog, nothing more, I guess. Harish?)
Anyway, in keeping with our tradition of taking ourselves far too seriously, we will commemorate this occasion by speaking in short bursts of five minutes each, for about an hour and a half. There will be felicitations of people unconnected to the event, unveiling of documents crucially important to the nation's future, songs, violent orgies and what-have-you.
In summary, Mindry.in's anniversary will be observed with full decorum and decency at the Seva Sadana auditorium in Malleshwaram on May 2nd at 6 PM. You are cordially invited. With your family. Make one if you don't have it already and bring them along. Ooh, free entry, so it's a win-win situation.
Anyway, in keeping with our tradition of taking ourselves far too seriously, we will commemorate this occasion by speaking in short bursts of five minutes each, for about an hour and a half. There will be felicitations of people unconnected to the event, unveiling of documents crucially important to the nation's future, songs, violent orgies and what-have-you.
In summary, Mindry.in's anniversary will be observed with full decorum and decency at the Seva Sadana auditorium in Malleshwaram on May 2nd at 6 PM. You are cordially invited. With your family. Make one if you don't have it already and bring them along. Ooh, free entry, so it's a win-win situation.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
What goes up must go to sleep
This is quite the WTF news of the day, as Amit Varma would put it. The best part is this:-
"It is felt during this period" -- when the pilots fell asleep -- "safety of aircraft and its occupants was compromised."
Oh.
"It is felt during this period" -- when the pilots fell asleep -- "safety of aircraft and its occupants was compromised."
Oh.
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